Unreal Analysis: Vol I (Analyzing Women!)


Sugar and spice and all things nice!

Mind is a indeed maze. But jokes that go like ‘the maze in a woman’s mind is a straight line on a spherical plane (a curved line, that is) are not in a sense apt. Mind of a woman and that of a man are actually sets that intersect over large regions. But the problematic part is that the portion that controls emotions are complements of each other. And that’s where the fun starts.

If you are curious enough, just look at the mental age of a man and a woman. Oh sorry, I forgot to inform you guys that the inception of this article is from a Facebook app that apparently measures the user’s ‘mental age’. If its logic is to be believed, a human’s mind never acts according to his biological age – either its far advanced, or, far too backward.And according to this data analysis, women can be placed in two well-defined groups(mind you, am talking only about pre,current and late teenage girls, as older women of india seldom use fb), the groups being ‘born kids’ and ‘born mothers’.The names are self explanatory.Obviously there are exceptions and they form a very interesting set for analysis.But that can come only after one has analysed the two major groups.

Cinderella

mon Dieu, that's Cindrella

‘Born kids’ – one of my friends tell me that boys call them ‘dumbos’ live in the fantasy land for most of the time, with squirrel’s dreams, tree-houses, funny-walking-talking animals. Feminism for them is the Barbie. Even today they dream of being Cinderella, spend sleepless nights for the ‘Prince Charming’ destined to come in horseback from the world of clouds. Obviously there are mutant variants in this group — some modern creatures who rather remain awake at night for Robert Pattison,oops, I meant Edward Cullen. And the ‘sensitive’ ones among them pine for Taylor Lautner, sorry again– I meant a werewolf. Their worlds are far  from the teenage boys’ who seldom dream of riding in horseback and slaying dragons.Well there are some perverts among them that do dream of actresses but they are just not men-we call the ‘lesser mortals’. So we are throwing them out of discussions. As one of my friends(‘lesser mortals’ aren’t my friends) observed, the ‘born kids’ girls’ group is funniest to make friends with as they are kiddish playful, childish and all that guardianship that you have to show over them flatters your ‘male ego’. So you are just not slaying the dragons but you are enjoying the same position of pride-so who would love to lose that. Thus my friend associates with this group and his expert comment regarding them was,”They are perfect till they ‘taste’(mind you, ‘taste’) reality–then nag so much and play a victim so skillfully that you can’t help but get tired of them.”

Fairy Godmothers Don't Exist!

‘Born mothers’, ah the Divine Spark, are generally the monitors in school, Club Presidents in college and MA-MATI-MANUSH(MA=mother, MATI=raises a child very well, MANUSH=create perfect citizens out of their babies; but taken together the MA-MATI-MANUSH stands for a successful professional) when out of college.They are always hovering over you with an overpowering shadow of power and guardianship.They just diminish the male ego and seem to be totally indifferent about it. Ideally they should have been arch-enemies of males.But strangely men seem to be fed up with taking care of ‘born kid’ girls and wish for some ‘mother/father figure’.Thus they rally around the ‘born mother’s’. These girls have a perfectly clear vision of the world-so clear that at times it borders on seeing the whole world painted white). They can detect all ‘grey levels’ in the world and know almost everything.So given sufficient inspiration they turn into feminists.The ones with lesser motivation turn social workers and some of them go to work in jails and marry off prisoners.Same story here–the ‘born mothers’ feel that the prisoner committed wrong due to the absence of a mother figure.Others follow their passion and succeed in life. These are actually the girls that keep the world habitable for both girls and boys.

A Declaration?

The two groups are emotionally diverse but their sum total keeps the male emotion and female emotions balanced.But the exceptions form a beautiful group whom boys generally refer to as ‘bitches’. They generally consist of pretty and intelligent girls who can stump any guy(don’t worry, I have not yet been stumped by any.:P). But don’t mistake them for ‘dumb blondes they are well versed in  techniques of manipulation, are graceful, elegant and extremely courteous, with reasonable knowledge of psychology and literature. The irony is they can camouflage as ‘born kids’ and ‘born mothers’ at ease-just like a chameleon. And the queer fact is this disguise can exclusively be detected by other girls but never by guys. The ‘bitches’ are nature addicts if you happen to the guy who mistook her for a ‘kid’ or a mother’, then she will walk up the cliff with you hand-in-hand to watch the sunset, share the pop-corn with you, and finally push you past the cliff’s edge when the sunsets.  Why? Silly, her radar has picked up a better idiot than you! They are great friends-they never tell you do anything for them but such is their style that you end  up doing everything for them without having them to ask. So they are never indebted to you while you are submerged in ‘generous loans’– apparently angels descended on to earth, they are the most gentle creatures who cannot even hurt you in their dreams — so what? they generally throw you into the muck when they are fully awake and not dreaming.

Bubble bubble toil and Trouble!

Ideally such a cunning race must have taken over the world quite easily from males. BUt like the TRAGIC HERO of Shakespeare, Pride is their greatest enemy. So efficient and pretty they are, they cannot help but boast of their unmatched qualities and their numerous prized kills(guys they have bowled over and fooled at ease). This is the ‘tell-tale’ signature, always watch out for this before you ‘dissolve’ yourself in any group.

Who said fb apps are just for kids?See, they just exposed the whole world of female psychology in front of you.Wait, who ‘loose mouthed’ fb apps in front of you?Was it some girl? Did she boast of things?What sort of… was she a….

Just see, I had already told you that human mind is a maze. And I have already planted some funny ideas in it…now it will only keep growing.(just like the film INCEPTION).

I am the CEO, bitch -- Mark Zuckerberg said that, I am re-emphasizing